My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
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Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?