—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
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Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
This made me chuckle cuz mood
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.