Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
You Might Also Like
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away