“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
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Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?