I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
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imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
#dalle2
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.