WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
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I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
you’re so productive for your wage
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
But that’s none of my business
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.