We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
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I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
oh you like architecture? name three walls
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.