*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
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me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Nose
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me