At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
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I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared