Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
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Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.