“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
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Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.