Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
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Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Yoga Matt
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Flock of bats
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy