Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
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I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders