SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
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Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
somewhere, in an alternate universe
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Rooting for the overdog
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Ladies, why y’all do this?