[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
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My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Perfection.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*