Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
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Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.