Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
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Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.