WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
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(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
choose your gary
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Wise advice
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.