hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
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After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.