I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
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You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
gentlemen, hear me out
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.