To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
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At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The Others (2001)
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.