People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
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If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Saint West, the patron of selfies
The dark side of Canada
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Good point.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.