[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
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I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
early stone age tool
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.