I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
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Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Camping tip: No.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
BaD BoY!!
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.