Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
You Might Also Like
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
The smoothest fall of all time
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers