Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
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employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒