ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
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Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Jesus Christ lmao
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows