I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
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*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.