Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
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The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.