I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
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6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Spider-cat: No One Home
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)