exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
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*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.