Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
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I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
This is me 🤣🤣
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.