Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
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OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.