Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
You Might Also Like
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Optional boss fight.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.