Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
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Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here