I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
You Might Also Like
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
that de-escalated quickly
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.