If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
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Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK