No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
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A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Bit chilly again tonight.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.