Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
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She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.