wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
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Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Yup.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening