Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
You Might Also Like
Yup!
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*