A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
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Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
next level snooze
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
These 3D printers are insane!
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Breaking news:
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?