welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
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Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.