“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
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Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others