“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
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[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
😂 amazing answer
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.