Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
You Might Also Like
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*