Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
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I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please