I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
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I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
This kid will have a bright future.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Born to be mild.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.