One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
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[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.