You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
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There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
gentlemen, hear me out
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Yup.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name